Playful Sunsets -- One Manipulated, One Original
Taken at the Boulder Reservoir
It was late in the afternoon when I went to the Boulder Res. I was on the phone, listening to a friend's family concerns. I walked slowly. Then, with the conversation completed, I realized the sun was falling behind the clouds and would quickly lower behind the mountains. My I-phone out, I clicked and clicked, savoring the colors and the reflections on the water. Our sunsets don't last long, so I quickly tucked my phone into a pocket and walked with purpose back to the trailhead and across the street to my car, chill beginning to penetrate my body.
As you all know, color is important to me. Sunsets and sunrises have made a difference in my life for as long as I can remember. My daughter-in-law told me that she began to fall in love with my son when he pulled the car to the side of the road to watch a sunset. When she exclaimed about how special that was, he replied, "That's what my mom always did." That's a romanticized version of our lives for sure. There were plenty of days when we rushed past the beauty around us attempting to complete the tasks in our crowded days.
These days I find myself trying to grasp the colorful beauty and hold it. Colorful sunsets--holding on to something that is fleeting--easy fodder for a blog. Am I near the sunset of my life? Hard to know. An 80-year-old friend recently told me that she was planning how her resources would last for 20 years. I exclaimed that she would then be 100 years old. She nodded, saying this was more likely now than ever. I'll let her plan for that eventuality. My plans don't go beyond a few things scheduled this winter and next spring.
Holding on rather than letting go--snapping all those photographs of the sunset--as if I wouldn't see those colors again. Of course, I might not be at the Boulder Reservoir at that time of day when there was a glorious sunset. However, I do walk there at least once most weeks. It's not such a pretty winter place though. And what is pretty about the winters of our lives? I'll leave that question to you as this blog has been intended to focus on the fun I have been having with my new I-phone app. I made the circles of color above from the sunset photo with that app after trying several versions of manipulation.
How often do I manipulate what is real to make it more appealing to my sense of self, my sense of security. I have recently realized that a woman whom I have looked up to doesn't like me. Perhaps she hasn't liked me for a long time. I simply hadn't paid attention. I knew that she wasn't particularly supportive when I led spiritual groups or programs, but I made excuses. That wasn't her personality. Lately there has been a coldness that I couldn't ignore--as if she wanted me to be certain of her dislike or disapproval, maybe some of both. Since she has a leadership role in contemplative programming in the Boulder area, I see that my participation there will be waning even more than I had expected or intended as I let go of roles that I felt called to release.
I ignored my daughter's anger as much as possible for years. I worked hard, harder to please, harder to assist, harder so that her life might be easier. I can see that the woman to whom I referred in the previous paragraph represented in some ways, my mother. (She would be appalled!) As with Mother, I wanted her approval and support--and got it as long as I wasn't in her arena. But as I moved into leadership roles and acquitted them well, the support dropped away. Like Mother, she didn't want me to be successful in any arena where she played.
It's rather depressing to see how those old patterns have continued to exert influence in my life! It's also very freeing. I can let go of the need to please those who aren't supportive. I don't need to struggle and work hard to get their approval. I haven't spent a great portion of my life courting approval. In my career, I rather enjoyed making a stand and staying with it during stormy weather. In my volunteer leadership roles, I have done the same, considering it my job to protect the integrity of the group. And it's interesting to notice that the hardest of those tasks have been in churches and spiritual groups!!!
I will spare my readers more musing on this topic. Today is the day when we interview four candidates for the soon-to-be vacant Voices For Children CASA Executive Director's position. My newest role with that board, president, isn't one intended to make me necessarily popular. However, I intend to go into today's conversations with kindness, even though my questions will be probing. A few minutes of quiet will be helpful before the process begins.
Blessings on this cold, snowy morning.
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