Front the Boulder Creek path In front of Boulder library -- a planted maple
Reviewing the photographs on my recent postings, I can see that I've worked hard to keep fall's colors as long as possible. The near mountains have shed all but a very few of their golden leaves. Boulder, however, is flush with color, again most of it golden yellow. There are signs--cooler days, nights of hard freezes, more cloudy days--of the season's change.
It feels too soon. Richard Rohr, a Franciscan monk, has written a powerful book about the second half of life. Though near my age, Rohr's focus is on the second half of spiritual life, and he says that many, if not most never get there. He means most of us aren't willing to make the cross over from our need to see ourselves as powerful and in control. We don't give up our search for external ways to get affection and esteem, and we continue to look for security where none exists. As we finished our study of this book on Monday morning, a woman several years my senior lamented that she hadn't made it to the second half of life in all aspects. Another came back with the single word, acceptance.
Acceptance. It seems like such a simple word, but I find that not true for me. I think of myself as younger than my 74 years. I did easily make a 6 mile (rt) trek up to a lake at a little over 11,000 ft. yesterday. I am told I don't look my age (of course, that's not true when I'm tired and discouraged). I would say that I'm not vain; however, I like hearing that. This is called noticing what's really true for me. It's fun only when, as in the instance of how I look, I can smile or laugh out loud, even though there's no one to hear.
Sure signs of winter's approach from the Blue Lake trail yesterday
Acceptance of my power and control "falsity" as dear Sr. Maria calls it, is harder. So, as when I don't accept what is and what needs healing, it gets slammed in my face. The Holy Spirit can be a tough teacher. Now before I go farther, you are free to think "what in the world possessed her?!" After several days of not-so-nice e-mails batting back and forth and a board meeting where our Search Committee chair was determined to make me wrong, part of me is wondering too.
I have taken on the job of Board Chairman for my favorite charity--our local CASA organization. Across the country CASAs are trained and provide advocacy for neglected and abused children who are wards of the court. We are in the process of searching for a new Executive Director, one to replace the woman who has led this organization for 22 years, most of the time it has been in existence. I moved into this position without much notice, and have been acting as president for a couple of months prior to my term beginning on October 1st. However, the previous president made sure that she appointed the Search Committee, including the chair, her friend and our newest board member.
I could list the annoying behaviors of this committee chair, and some of you would agree. However, that is not the point of my writing. I've known for some time the truth of one of Sr. Maria's teachings--that when something sizzles down deep inside, rumbles around and disturbs me more than makes sense, it is telling me something about me. Monday night after the board meeting, I was upset. I was tempted to write a "nice" e-mail to the Search Committee pointing out the need to omit one step the chair had insisted was needed at the board meeting. I wanted to thank the committee members who had been unable to attend last week's meeting for making time to review all the applications (the chair had wanted to cull the applications before others saw them). I wrote it in draft, but didn't send it. I did communicate with the two board members I can count on for a measured assessment of the meeting, and I was given affirmation. That didn't stop or even ease my stewing and fretting.
I got to see in living technicolor, a dating expression for sure, what a grip my power and control and revenge issues have on me still. Sr. Maria says that only God can remove our "falsities." No doubt she is right. I do know that for me, being open to my unconscious' ability to bring up the early nuggets of how those falsities were formed is what allows breaking them open for healing.
This afternoon we have another Search Committee meeting. I'm going to spend time in silent prayer before going into the meeting. Then I drive to Denver for session four of Sr. Maria's class. I will no doubt have grist for the mill when I arrive!
There are more lessons in all of this than I could share in this post. One merits acknowledging. My two fellow board members pointed out that the search chair must feel very insecure or she wouldn't have behaved the way she did in the board meeting. I'm no longer good at saying nice things I don't really mean, but I will look for ways to appreciate her efforts before the meeting and for ways to express them
appropriately.
Thanks for listening. Prayers and blessings to you on this fall day.
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