Even though the darkness I'm feeling today will move into light, I'm saying today's word "acceptance" over and over. In the spiritual journey class that I'm taking at the Denver Contemplative Outreach Center, last night's word was "awareness." That one too is useful today. Awareness keeps me from running to the cover of the Swedes' latest import, The Nightmare, by Lars Kepler. When I read his first book printed in the US in early summer (The Hypnotist), I stayed up way too late to finish it. I would neither have to accept or be aware if I made that turn. If I feel the need to turn to fiction, Mary McGarry Morris' Light from a Distant Star's main character, Nellie Peck, on the verge of adolescence, brings up feelings from my life at that age though her story is different from mine. Over 100 pages into it, I should continue with that one should I need diversion.
Today's "falisity," as our class teacher calls the behaviors we crafted as children to make us feel safe, secure, loved, or powerful is seriously ugly. The Enneathought for my Enneagram type might have been sent with me in mind. The work for today--"I now release believing that taking vengeance will free me from my own pain."
Really, you say. Surely you didn't really believe that?! Oh yes--that hurt, angry little girl Margaret definitely decided that if she could get back at those adults who hurt and shamed her, she would feel better--powerful even. That wasn't the news that came over me at last night's class. The behaviors those adults exhibited deserved punishment (and today that might have been possible).
What showed up last night was that this feeling hangs out still, often coupled with good wishes -- "I hope it doesn't work out to make you so happy after all" on one hand, while wishing my daughter true happiness in her quest in the other for instance. It's a quiet and preferably unaware feeling in the background that pollutes loving wishes.
One of my favorite--yes, I'll admit that I enjoyed it--memories of revenge was from my life in Tennessee Economic Development. The corporate executives that our senior loan officer and I were meeting with had sized me up to be someones "girl friend" or a political appointee, and Phil, the loan officer was young and looked younger. They had come to show us their financials since they had not been willing to give us a copy. They didn't need the money they were requesting. It was a perk for locating a plant to employ several hundred people in a poor county. I was quiet as they rather condescendingly took us through them page by page. I made sure that I showed no emotion. Then when they finished I asked a couple of piercing questions. Their heads shot up, a startled look on their faces. Finally one said something like, "Oh, she's smart," to the other one and began to answer my questions. After the meeting finished, Phil gave me a "high 5." He enjoyed it too.
That was not the way to make friends for sure. Another loan fund applicant took the same behavior as an insult and wrote the Governor to complain. While the Governor's staff person who sent me a copy said the man no doubt deserved my treatment of him, it still wasted time in a frenetically paced work life (for others too) to answer the letter and make amends. That behavior was planned. The background thoughts that I'm seeing more and more of today are those that I'm either not aware of at the time or that shame me into being overly nice to someone about whom I've had such thoughts.
I certainly know that taking vengeance, even in thought only, doesn't take away my pain. So with Divine assistance that I always need in this healing work, "I now release believing that taking vengeance will free me from my own pain."
A post script: I began this writing with the intention of using the changing seasons to talk about seasons of life. Maybe next time.
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