This morning I am particularly grateful for inner peace. This deep feeling of peace came unexpectedly last night after a week of stress and a day when it seemed to pile up. The stress of having our "new" Voices For Children CASA Executive Director resign after not quite six months is a real one (I'm president of that board). Unusual inner anxiety about my two "up front" tasks at the church service had passed without a flub. The discovery of the strong relationship my Healing Ministry Group back-up leader has with our Rector--evidenced in our meeting when it seemed that I was the observer -- provided stress on my ego. It's always an initial jar to see my replacement so clearly, although it was also comforting and freeing.
The absence of my daughter in my life too was brought close in an unexpected way. On Facebook I discovered that a high school friend had come to Colorado to vacation with Michelle, and I hadn't heard from her. This friend has become one of the few I always see when visiting Nashville (was one of the girls who called me "Mother Means" and as an adult sometimes refers to me with that name).
There was a fantasy relationship that I was also letting go. With all of this sloshing around, I wasn't peaceful!
Even the anticipated pleasure of going to Nashville this Friday for my 75th birthday celebration with family and friends wasn't easing the stress. Then as I sat on the bed and half watched a re-run of Elementary, a deep peace surfaced. It was (and I can still touch it, though not so profoundly) that "All will be well" peace.
Amazed, I simply sat with it.
With the prospect of a busy day with an emergency board meeting of VFC CASA, I put away the novel I was reading early and went to sleep. It seemed that I barely closed my eyes when a strongly distressing dream woke me. It escaped being a nightmare because I wakened immediately. In a vehicle, I was being high jacked by first one, then two, burly characters, taking over the driving and pushing me into the back seat. When I tried to open the door, another burly character blocked my way--and as I was beginning to feel there wasn't a way out, I woke up. For me, this dream was clearly a warning that the path I was supposed to be on was in danger of being high jacked. Whether the three characters had meaning, I haven't discerned. However, it was clear that I was taking the VFC CASA concerns as my mission to solve--that old ego saying, "It's up to me."
I had readily accepted my first choice as the Search Committee chair's reason that he couldn't serve. He just received a big promotion. Last year's chair is waiting on confirmation of a new full-time job before saying that she will even be on the committee this time. These were obviously valid reasons for limiting participation. Why could I not have easily seen that while my "work"--focusing again on obtaining an agent for the memoir and working to schedule programs in other areas--was as valid and needed my time? It's that old thing of the obvious need in front of me calling--and my ego's "I must be the one to solve this problem."
Interestingly, our Associate Rector's homily had focused on the danger of letting our egos take over by puffing up--or by believing that we were indispensable! So today I'm meeting with a newer board member who has enthusiastically agreed to chair the Search Committee and letting go of (at least trying) my feeling that she will need propping up along the way (and of course, that I will be the one to do it!). I'm saying that I trust that the person we need to lead VFC CASA's important mission of being a voice for neglected and abused children in the Boulder County Court system will show up. I know that the more I trust, the more I can let go of the angst that this resignation has brought--and interact with compassion with the one who is leaving.
Inner peace is a blessing. It doesn't necessarily mean that all of these insights will promptly cause calm, assured behavior. It does give me a place to dive into as a swirling of stress begins to form.
Rivers meet along the Camp Dick Trail
Soon I'll write and put up photos of early flowers that i intended to include this morning.